Monday, 13th of February

Things I would like to achieve this year.

1. Make things work with Alison.
2. Try and make the newly published novel successful.
3. Find out what my dreams really mean and what I can do to stop them.

The reason I didn’t go to see Louise tonight (I told her I had a migraine) was that I knew she would dismiss number 3 out of hand. She would want me to discuss other things – my job, for instance (she clearly finds it baffling that I’m so set on continuing in a job I hate), and the general drift of my life.

She would not countenance my dreams being any part of the discussion.

But – regardless of what happens with Alison, or with the book, (or even the fucking job) – I cannot conceive of me ever being happy again as long as these dreams continue.