So what am I scared of?
Well what I see in my dreams terrifies me and lingers in my mind throughout the days. Now the fact that Alison is out there somewhere, doing god knows what, is something else I find completely disturbing. And I suppose the fact that my life is really not going anywhere, must also be a point of fear.
Only the last one though, will my therapist take seriously.
I told her about the Alison phone call and even though she didn’t say anything, I could tell from the slight raising of her eyebrow (she has a very expressive face, and I sometimes wonder how conscious she is of it) that she didn’t completely believe me. Swiftly she ascertained that it was late at night, that I’d been drinking and from there I think she just assumed it was an hallucination. I told her that I could remember it clearly, but I failed to convince. In that soft, almost patronising voice she has, she told me that I had to try and look at things calmly and rationally.
To that end she asked me what I wanted from my life – the things I wanted to achieve, what goals I had. I’d gone in there to talk about Alison, about Julie even, but ended up having a long conversation about things that I normally keep at the back of my mind. This meant there was much mumbling and stumbling as I tried to work out what my goals might be, and more raising of eyebrows from her.
My homework (fucking homework again!) this week is to work out targets for my life that I can easily achieve this year.
I’m starting to wonder why I go to see her.
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