What is it I am actually dreaming about when I dream of the end of the world? Sometimes these visions in my head are so real, I think they’re actually predictions. That what I’m enduring is the way it’s going to end for everybody. But then the apocalypse in my dreams unfolds in such different ways: sometimes whatever it is comes from above and sometimes it’s from below. Sometimes I imagine there are missiles raining down on me, other times I think it’s a huge asteroid. So am I actually seeing anything? Are these dreams just random nothings that I should really try to forget?
At therapy tonight, after we had talked seemingly endlessly about Alison, Louise asked if I was still having my dreams. I was forced to concede that yes I am, and that yes they are still bothering me. She told me that to her they sound like paranoia, some innate fear that I’m suppressing. In her softest voice she asked me what I thought that might be, and I told her I have no idea. My words spewed out so fast as I tried to remind her of the things I’ve seen in my dreams that I later saw in real life, but she clearly thinks that’s just my imagination going wild. My homework, she told me, is to work out what it is really frightens me.
Homework? I’m not still at fucking school.
You are a certifiable lunatic just like me. I often have those dreams too. I think it's a sign of the times. The fear culture of our media, pent-up rage and the depression. Welcome to the HBA.
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