January the 13th, 2012

Well today I cracked. I was sat at my desk, enduring the normal stilted quiet of the office and brooding on Alison, when I just snapped. She has a friend called Julie, who I’ve met a number of times. This Julie works for an investment bank so it was pretty easy for me to figure out her email address. And at 10.58 this morning, when the temptation got too much for me, I dropped her a line.

‘Hi Julie.
How are you?
Sorry to bother you, but I haven’t heard from Alison in over a week now, and that just seems really odd. So, I wondered whether you knew if anything had happened? If you could please let me know whether you’ve heard from her, I’d be most grateful.
Cheers.’

And then after I sent it, the sensation was purgatory and hell rolled into one.

I spent most of the day waiting for a reply. It was gone five by the time one dropped into my inbox, but until then I was sat so nervous at my desk, barely able to concentrate on what was in front of me. Regret bubbled up in my soul almost as soon as I pressed send, then through all those hours of waiting it turned into a dagger jammed hard into my side. What on earth was I thinking? Whatever was happening, it was an issue for me and my girlfriend and not for the wider world. How could I be so stupid? All day long I thought that Julie must be laughing at me. Or worse, that she’d forwarded the message onto Alison and they were both laughing at me. For most of the day I thought – even though I know Julie has a busy job with lots of meetings and so on – that not only was Alison not speaking to me, but she’d instructed her friends not to speak to me either. All I was going to get now, no matter where I tried, was a terrible and impenetrable wall of silence. It was an awful day, an unendurable day – six hours of my life that I wish I’d never gone through.

Finally, at 5.16, a reply arrived:

“Hey!
I’ve not heard anything, I’m afraid. I’m sure she’s fine though. You should chill.
Have a great weekend!
Julie.’
It was the worst possible reply. It told me absolutely nothing at all.