Saturday, 31st of March - addendum

I’ve spent the last two nights in my house and I think Julie is starting to pick up that there is a growing distance between us. I’m seeing her tonight for drinks in Chinatown (we’re meeting in De Hems). I don’t know how it’s going to go.

Saturday, 31st of March

Last night I dreamed I was stood in the park again, looking at Elvina perform up there on the stage. She seems bigger in my dream; not to say that she’s plump or overweight, but more as if her entire stature has grown. I’m looking at her over people’s heads, a huge distance away, yet I can see every inch of her so clearly – as if she’s thirty foot tall and towering over all of us.
It’s definitely Alison with me, I’m stood with my arms around her waist and am nuzzling her neck. I look up and to the left of me are my mum and dad, with my sister as well. To the right are various friends of mine. We’re all together, all waiting – like one of those cults that lives to greet the apocalypse.

And when that comes we are all smiling.

Thursday, 29th of March

When I was first with Julie, I didn’t have dreams in her bed. Those nights  I was between her pink and scented duvet, within her oddly girly room (it's a bit incongruous to her personality actually), it seemed like there was some magic power warding my dreams off.
That doesn’t seem to be the case now.

Now I wake up in the small hours covered in sweat as frequently as if I was in my own bed. Fortunately Julie is a sound sleeper, and so there’s no need for me to try and explain it to her while in a scared, emotional and irrational state of mind. In the morning she does wonder why I’m so sleepy, but I’m able to shrug her away (I’m never great in the mornings). As long as I don’t lash out in my sleep I’ll be fine, but never mentioning what’s going on is starting to get me down.

Wednesday, 28th of March

I find myself missing Alison. Not because I dream about her a lot, but because in her disappearance and subsequent messages (as well as what might have been her brief reappearance in Hungary) I feel that she’s somehow a lot more connected with me now. I think if I was to sit down and talk to her about my dreams and what I’m thinking, then Alison would understand. It’s like she’s part of it, as if we’re on the same wavelength. (I know that’s not how I necessarily felt about her during our brief relationship, but it’s a sensation I can’t shake now). I know I have Julie, a new girlfriend, but she doesn’t understand and so I don’t try talking to her about it anymore. If I’m honest I think it’s causing a bit of distance between us.
I have all these thoughts and visions in my mind and no one to share them with – apart from perhaps my ex girlfriend (who has vanished) and maybe a female Elvis impersonator in North London.

Jesus! When I put it like that I see that, I really am fucking insane.

Tuesday, 27th of March

In my dreams, when a mushroom cloud appears at the distance – is a nuclear bomb really what I’m seeing? Is it war? Are the Russians, or the Iranians (or even – special relationship gone forever – the Americans) launching strikes against us? Am I witnessing the annihilation of the world as we know it?
Or is it something else? I read once that a nuclear explosion is actually only one percent of the potential energy of the bomb which creates it. Human beings, simple race that we are, don’t yet know how to tap into the full energy in the world around us. Indeed, if we could, there is so much energy untapped within our own bodies that we have the potential to blow up like nuclear bombs ourselves if we could harness it.

So what if the thing I’m seeing is new, not a bomb at all – a development far scarier and more powerful? What if the thing which brings the end of the world is something we only discovered how to do the day before?

Monday, 26th of March

Things I should try to improve this year:
1. My love life (although that seems to be going well, fingers crossed)
2. My book sales (well, I am trying).
3. My job.

I think Louise sees that last one as the root of all my problems – my general malaise in the world of work intruding into the rest of my life (and my dreams). But I’m not sure I buy her thesis, as I’m not overly ambitious career wise and happy to plod along. My job is something I do, not something I am. I did try to explain this to her tonight, but I think I failed. After all, I have told her I’m unhappy there and so one can’t blame her if she thinks I shouldn’t put up with unhappiness.

What else could I possibly do though? I’ve been in this job years now and still have no idea what else I could try.

Sunday, 25th March

Julie was busy last night, so I went to see Elvina – the female Elvis impersonator I found in Clerkenwell. She really is something – sexiness personified, gorgeousness defined. I see her in my dreams of course, singing in the apocalypse, but it was so much better to see her in the flesh. Perhaps I was hoping that the reality would put the dreams out of my head, but that wasn’t the case at all.
She introduced ‘Always On My Mind’ by saying it was for a special friend and admirer – then stared directly at me the entire length of the song. Her body was leant slightly back, so her breasts were high in the spotlight, and her right eyebrow arched knowingly. Why was she staring at me? Did it mean anything, or was it just flirtatious showwomanship? How could she know who I am?

Does she read this blog?